There are ants in my apartment. This is no surprise given the condition of the building and the apartment--I can't clean it enough to make up for days of college boy abandon--and the natural inclination of bugs to come inside--especially in this heat--but the ants in my apartment are perplexing and unlike other ants I've encountered. First, I haven't seen many, just 10 or so--enough to make me question their origin and wonder if there's an infestation looming in my future, but not the normal infinite stream I've always assumed to be an ants preferred method of travel. In addition to that, these ants travel alone, in seemingly random circular paths, like they aren't quite sure where they're going but they'll know it when they get there. Obviously I have paid a lot of attention to these ants in the past several days. During my observations, I have come to realize that I have a lot in common with them. (Oh, don't be sad. It's not as pathetic as it sounds.)
My life is in the middle of a peculiar limbo--a vague greyness between where I was and where I am going. It has been this way since April, a month of monumental change. With the start of Spring came the acceptance to Yale and the acceptance of a job offer in Missouri--the acceptance of significant change in my life. Rooted in Georgia, in a home and a community and a family of friends I thought we'd never leave, the decision to return to my beginnings to build a future for my son was overwhelmingly difficult. Yet everything fell into place so effortlessly that I could not argue with the path laid out before me.
I am half-way finished with my course at Yale and each day it becomes more and more difficult to articulate what I am experiencing here. I simply say "I'm doing a lot of reading and a lot of research but I really enjoy it" because to most people it seems simply ludicrous to find this endeavor comparable to anything pleasurable. This opportunity has alleviated any personal doubt I held about my capabilities and whether or not I belong here intellectually--I am smart enough to study at Yale. I'm not quite ready to pursue a Doctorate, but this class will more than satisfy me for awhile. Life is too unsettled, too uncertain to go back to school. Instead, I need to find the simplicity of home again.
Despite the learning and the research and the enjoyment I have doing them, I am ready to be back with my son and back at the beginning, taking chances for our future.